cardinal rules

i have recently broken 2 of my own cardinal rules (no, not the chocolate rules):

1. don't let anyone get so close that it will hurt to tell them goodbye.
2. don't cry.

last night i spoke to seattle boy for the last time in what i think will be a very long time, if ever again. i'm not okay.

cardinal rule, the first:

when i was growing up, my family moved around a lot. it was hard. but i learned a trick: if you don't get close to people, it's easier when it's time to leave. i very distinctly remember being a very sad little 4th-grader that decided it wasn't worth the hurt. i have continued that tradition in my own "grown-up" life as i have moved around generally every 4 to 8 months for the last 7 years. i've made friends, sure -- very dear ones -- but i kept control of how invested i became in the friendship, to be ready for the next move.

i moved to los angeles after graduating from byu, ready to start a new career and new life. i planned to be here for at least 2 years. well, at least 1 year, but 2 years being the "should be". i've actually battled the gotta-move bug at least twice since i got here 10 months ago. i've met some wonderful people and made some very good friends. i've learned a lot. i think i forgot that i'm not always the one that leaves -- sometimes i have to say goodbye because the other person leaves.

cardinal rule, the second:

what's the point of crying? it doesn't accomplish anything. i think it actually cripples us from accomplishing exactly what we need to in a given situation. plus, your face gets all red, you can't speak properly, people feel bad for you, your nose starts running ... i haven't really cried for about 5 years. until last night.