question

what if cute guy wants to get back together?

henna for the holidays

i hate shopping. and because i hate shopping so much, my preparations for our firm holiday party last year consisted of choosing between 2 dresses my sister happened to have hanging in her closet that fit me. which happened late in the afternoon on the day of the party. yeah.

but ... i would like to be better, improve, branch out, and generally be more "normal," so when i got the invitation for this year's holiday party, i thought i'd try shopping for a new dress.

one evening a couple weeks before the party, i headed over to the mall to see what i could see. i got there around 7. by 730, i had tried on 3 dresses that fit neither me nor my pocket book, tried on 1 blouse that would have worked with a skirt i already own if it had come in any size besides petite, and stopped myself from pulling out all my hair in frustration 4 times. i left the mall.

as i drove home feeling both frustrated and like a failure, i passed joann's fabric and craft ... after 30 minutes, i had found 2 patterns, 2 fabrics, and a new hope that perhaps i'd have a new dress for this year's party.

i started cutting and sewing on thursday night that week. and continued on sunday afternoon and evening: it was mostly done. but i needed to go up to my sister's to use her other sewing machine for the edges. the night before the party, i was at my sister's finishing the zipper and clasp; all that was left was the hem and the ribbon-belt. so at 1030 that night, i was pressing everything, trying to get it perfect since that's the type of perfectionist i am. one of the seams near the zipper was really thick. so i pressed on it hard with the iron. and as i lifted the iron ... umm ... the fabric was stuck to it: i had burned a hole in my dress! yeah-huh! (see photo at right.)

after a discussion with my sister of any and all alternatives to removing and replacing the singed piece of the dress, the next 2½ hours were spent removing and replacing the singed piece of the dress. and *then* i could work on finishing what was left. it was a long night. but i got 'er done. (see photo at left.)

the holiday party this year was themed, "rock the casbah" and was held down at the grove of anaheim, which was very nice. the firm had gone all out in decorating and preparing for this event. when cute guy and i arrived and even before entering the hall, we saw belly dancers, fire breathers, two huge camels, and even a monkey. cute monkey. famous monkey: she is the monkey from pirates of the caribbean: the curse of the black pearl.

the evening was a lot of fun, even after a very long drive (in the rain). i quickly found a few of my office friends and we all exchanged introductions. the rest of the evening was filled with good food, dancing, casino games, raffles, fortune telling, and henna painting. so many fun things. and it was fun to see my co-workers outside of the office and enjoying themselves.

seeing the fortune teller/tarot card reader was an interesting experience. i hadn't done that before. but she said some interesting things. she said that based on the cards i chose i'd be faced with some new contracts, which could be any kind of contract: whether business, or housing, or work, or relationship ... and when she said "relationship" she looked straight up at cute guy. umm, uncomfortable. anyway, and she said that when considering these contracts that there would be many people who would have an opinion on them but that i would be the one with the final say. (i would hope so.) she also said that i pulled the ___ ___ card (can't remember) that meant that i would have lots of money. i'm okay with that.

cute guy got some of the same cards, and some of the same description/reading. yes, she looked at me whenever she said anything relationship-y to him. heh. anyway. it was fun. and i ate some really good dark chocolate while we were waiting in line for our readings.

oh! and i *totally* forgot to get henna before the evening ended. i completely blew that one ... grrr.

a rough weekend

cute guy dumped me on saturday night.

i dumped perfect boy on sunday night.

it was a rough weekend.

happy birthday

happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you,
happy birthday, dear cute guy,
happy birthday to you!

he'll never see this ... but i wanted to post it nonetheless ...

hope this is a great birthday.

once a month

that's kinda how it's been lately, i guess.

cute guy came up on tuesday night. which i wasn't certain he was going to. we spoke on sunday and i told him that i was getting some people together to bowl and barbecue on labor day and i invited him. well, he had his kids that afternoon and so it wasn't good for him, but he said he could come up on tuesday night. great.

as i was leaving work on tuesday, i called him and he was having a horrible day -- just nothing going right. i asked if he wanted to just rain-check it, but he said that he wanted to see me. i offered to drive down there instead of him coming up, but he wanted to come up -- he'd been in his house all day and didn't want to spend any more time there. so i told him i would make dinner and he could come whenever.

so i rushed home, stopped at ralph's on the way, and started cooking! made yummy cheesy chicken enchiladas -- stuck it in the oven just as he walked in the door. we had fruit salad while we chatted and waited for the enchiladas. they were yummy! (not as good as my mom's, though, but yeah.)

after dinner we just sat and talked for a while. then we played scrabble and he totally kicked my trash! so embarrassing. i've been playing somewhat infrequently with my friend james from work, and had been doing pretty well ... but not on tuesday night. ha. cute guy won't tell me his strategy. grr.

cute guy had to leave kinda early on tuesday night because he had an appointment in the morning. so he didn't stay too long, but it was really nice to see him.

shower thinkin'

in a non-stop uber-busy life, you gotta take advantage of the quiet, slow(-er) moments to think. for me, that's the shower time.

my thoughts recently have primarily circled around a couple people.

seattle boy: i spend time hoping he is well. it's been a long time since we talked and i miss him. i miss that friendship and contact with someone that i know cares genuinely about me and my welfare. i miss the nonsense conversations that leave me rolling on the floor in fits of laughter. i think about how things must be difficult for him until he can speak to seattle girl. i wonder how he's doing with that and in general. i wonder if i will get a wedding announcement. i wonder if i'll ever get to speak to him again and i think about what i'd like to say to him, if i do. i think about seattle girl and wish that she knew me so she could trust me. i think about what i love about my friendship with seattle boy and what i love about him, which thought has recently been underscored by his desire to do what is right and to be right before God in all things, recognizing that his own weaknesses can be improved, step by step. i think of the importance of that in the person that i am looking to marry.

cute guy: i think about our relationship. i think about his current life situation: where he is now, where he is going. and unfortunately, i spend too much time thinking about where i wish he were. i wonder what it would be like to meet his kids. i wonder what it would be like if we lived closer together. i wonder what he thinks about me and about our relationship. i wonder if he thinks this is going anywhere, or if it is just something to do for now. i also analyze my own motivations in our relationship. do i see him for who he is?

in all this thinking, one prevailing thought is the question of what kind of person do i want to marry. i mean, this whole dating thing has that as its purpose, right? so ... let's get to the point. i previously wrote that i want 2 things: (1) a man of God, and (2) a best friend. i want someone who wants *me*. who chooses me above everyone else, not because there is no one else or because he can't have whom he really wants. and yet, i want someone that will put God and His plan above me.

okay, too much thinking is bad. for me, anyway. i am a doer. thinking irritates me because, even after all that time spent thinking, i am usually in the same boat, still rowing along in generally the same direction. sorry, that's me looking for the efficiency and effectiveness in everything. so i am going to wrap this up. some pretty aimless thoughts, i admit, but maybe i'll be able to put them together cohesively some day ...

72 miles

welp, he made the drive. and survived it, too. though, all evening cute guy kept reminding me that it's 72 miles from his house to mine.

yeah, i know: i've made that drive a few times ... ...

i'm glad he drove up, though. (like really, i think it's hilarious that he doesn't like driving so much. heh.)

he got here about 830 and we went over to the calabasas commons. i hadn't really ever spent much time there, but it's kind of a nice area -- little shops, movie theater, restaurants, nice open areas to just hang out. we walked around for a bit -- most of the shops were closed at that point -- we got some frozen yogurt and just sat and talked. then we came back to my house. we spent about 45 minutes trying to fix my tv, but it's just not being friendly these days ... anyway, then we hung out for a while at the house, just talking and stuff. and then he drove home!

yes, another 72 miles. :S

long time no see

friday was our so-cal annual employee meeting. so everyone from the so-cal practice headed down to long beach for some powerpoint presentations, some awards and recognitions ... and some cocktails. i think the mormons were the designated carpool drivers.

since i'd be down in that area for work anyway, cute guy and i "did lunch". at mcdonald's. i love mcdonald's. mmm. once i finally got down there -- gotta love l.a. traffic -- we only had about 45 minutes before i had to head out for my meeting. so it was a quick lunch. but it was good to see him. he was stressed out about work and i was stressed out about getting up to my meeting on time, so it wasn't really the most enjoyable time i've ever spent with him ... but yeah.

i hadn't seen him since july 1. we had made plans a couple times, but yeah, it had been a while.

i decided the last time i was down in huntington that it was probably best if i didn't continue to go down there every weekend. so ... the weekend of july 7, i went surfing, i donated platelets, and i spent the evening with my sister and her husband. the next weekend, july 14, i actually tried to convince cute guy to come up to santa monica to meet me at an activity i was going to there. he bemoaned the drive up, so i offered to go down and get him -- then i realized that it would mean about 5 hours of driving for me to do that -- so i just told him not to worry about it. let's see, the next weekend, my youngest sister was in town, so we hung out here in the valley, went shopping at h&m (the only reason i ever set foot in the mall), spent some time at universal city walk, and hung out with my older sister and family. umm, last weekend was donating blood again, a doctor appointment, and a co-worker's party. so ... that brings us to this weekend. i want to see him, but i still kinda think i shouldn't head down to huntington.

i've made that comment to a few friends recently, who all ask why. i guess the most pertinent of reasons is that i really don't feel like this relationship can go anywhere -- or rather, it can't go where i want it to and how i want it to. yes, relationships require negotiating and compromising, but -- without going into too much unnecessary detail -- neither party should have to give up long-term goals for short-term wants.

cute guy is a really good guy. he treats me really well. he opens doors. he treats for dinner. he is funny and fun to hang out with. i enjoy his company. i love talking to him and just hanging out ... i told a friend of mine the other day that if i didn't have certain beliefs and standards, i would be head-over-heels in love with the boy.

i don't want to break up with someone that i still really like. but what if that's what is right?

on the road again

i caved. i'm going down to huntington beach tomorrow night. i keep saying that i don't want to be the only one driving -- he's come up here once. once. and i've been down there ... well, i already calculated the miles and hours i've spent driving down there. anyway, yeah. but i'm going down there again tomorrow night. maybe i shouldn't?

seattle boy says that i need to think about what his actions are saying about him. what do they *mean*? well ... i think they mean he doesn't like driving. but cute guy has already said that. now, i don't *love* driving, but i don't mind it. i actually kind of enjoy the time to just think and listen to music or whatever.

i bought the scriptures on cd a couple years ago when i was teaching accounting at the satellite campus of my university, which was about a 45-minute drive away. i actually ended up not listening to them on that drive because i got a carpool thing going. but, i just found them again, so maybe i should stick them in my car again ... hmmm ... anyway: tangent!

so yeah. things with cute guy have kinda cooled off recently. i think. i dunno. i've had a really weird emotional week. and i say "weird emotional" because i am not generally a very emotional person -- pretty even-keeled, actually -- so anything "emotional" is weird by default. but i've been thinking a lot -- a handful of things going on. so, conversations with cute guy have been different lately. i don't know the reason -- if it's because of all that's going on in my life, what's going on in his life (he's had some stressful work-stuff recently), or if things are winding to a close. maybe the sun is setting on this spring fling ... ? (ha! do you love the imagery?)

i have to admit that one of the things i have been thinking about is not seeing cute guy anymore. (i think i mentioned that in my last post about him.) which can definitely affect the conversation dynamic -- the whole relationship dynamic. i really like the kid. i think he's fun, i am attracted to him, i enjoy talking to him, i enjoy kissing him ... i don't think i'll marry him. there are some fundamental differences of opinion/lifestyle that preclude a serious future. unless one or both of us changes, and it's not good to go into a relationship wanting to change the other person.

we've talked this week i think everyday; that's kinda the norm. but conversations have been shorter -- only about an hour instead of the 2 or 3 that it's been.

oh -- last night: the funniest thing! so i was really tired when talking to him, and tiredness brings on randomness from me.

so i was laying on the couch in the living room and asked, "so, what are your ceilings like?" -- i was staring at my ceilings, so it wasn't entirely random.
he asked me to repeat: "what are your ceilings like?"
he paused. kinda quiet.
i admit, that's a strange question. so i tried to help with the words, if he was searching for words, "are they popcorn, textured, smooth ... ?"
he was still a little quiet, and then, "oh! ceilings? did you say 'ceilings'?"
i said, "yeah ..."
he started laughing. "i thought you said 'feelings'!! i thought i'd have to make up some excuse to get off the phone! ha ha ha ..."

great -- i scare the kid that we're gonna have a "relationship talk". ha ha. that was funny.

maybe i should have let him just go with it ... coulda learned something.

anyway, not sure how things are gonna be tomorrow night. not sure what we are gonna be doing, actually. maybe i should get online and see what kind of stuff we could do down there this weekend. instead of the standard dinner and a movie.

too much time in huntington beach

in the last month, i have put 840 miles on my car and spent 18 hours driving to and from the huntington beach area. to see a cute guy. yeah.

i went to a lds mid-singles conference in huntington beach back in april. (mid-singles are the ones too old for the singles ward, but too young to spend their nights hanging out with the widows in the family ward ... ages 27 to 42.) the conference was so much fun! there were over 1,000 people there. so many fun things to do and great people to meet. it was awesome. i roomed with a couple girls from atlanta -- way fun.

one of the first people i met there was cute guy.

it was funny, at first i wasn't super attracted to him or interested in him, but we kept running into each other throughout the conference and we'd stop and talk for a while. we actually talked quite a bit. he was easy to talk to and fun to be with. and he was cute. ... :)

so yeah. the conference ended on sunday and we "exchanged cards". -- ha! always wanted to say that ... but, we really did. anyway, and so then that was that.

the following few days i found myself wanting to talk to him. but i wasn't sure if i should just call him. see? -- normally, i really don't mind being the cad that makes the first move. because, well, i know that we all know that making the first move can be scary or whatever, but i also know that when people go out with me, they have a good time ... so ... i usually just ask the boy out and then we go out and have fun and then he can take it from there. but, on wednesday after the conference, i was talking to a friend of mine about the conference and mentioned that i was planning to call cute guy and her reaction was a quick "no, wait for him to call". so then, because we were at a relief society pot-luck dinner thing, we ended up opening the issue up for discussion. some sisters said i should call, others said he needs to, others said just wait a bit ... so finally, the negotiated conclusion was that i should give it one more day. if he calls, great. if not, i can call him. okay!

so i went home from the r.s. dinner thing and turned on the tube. and promptly fell asleep! when i woke up sometime in the middle of the night, i looked at my phone and saw that *he had called!* !! *and i missed it!* grrr!

so i called him back the next night. we talked for probably about an hour. just about all kinds of random things. we talked again a couple days later. i think that one was about 3 hours, actually. and again the next wednesday. then on saturday. then sunday ...

and, like seriously, since then we have been talking just about everyday for at least an hour, usually more -- one night it was more than 6 hours! yeah. obviously i like talking to the kid. :P

we went out about two weeks after the singles conference. it was so last minute. my younger sister and her husband were in town for a couple days before going on a trip back to her husband's mission in cambodia. i called cute guy in the afternoon on the monday and just asked him if he wanted to come up that evening. he was kinda quiet and hemming and hawing a bit -- i got a bit nervous and wondered if i had crossed some unseen line -- but then he was just like, "well, i am just trying to figure out what time i would need to leave here." :) so we talked about that. and then he was like, "oh, but aren't your sister and her husband in town? don't you want to hang out with them?" and i responded that, yes, i did, but they would be here for a couple days so it didn't matter that much. and he said, "well, we could just all go out to dinner together ..." so we did! it was kinda awkward: our first date was a double with my recently-married sister and her husband. ... hmmm.

we survived the awkward dinner, went back to my house to watch a movie, then my sister and her husband left. and we made out.

since then, i've been doing the driving down to huntington beach. it's easier to be able to hang out down there and spend time at his house. because, honestly, as much as i love my 70-year-old roommate, i don't really always feel that comfortable having people over to visit my grandma-house. :S

we make out a lot. i sometimes wonder if we have anything else in common. i mean, i realize that i am not exactly being very fair in making this comment, but i do wonder. especially because conversation seems kinda forced whenever we are hanging out in person. we are able to talk for hours on the phone, but when we are together, it's kinda awkward. like last night, for example: awkward.

hmmm.