why did he say that?

my phone rang the other night at 1:30 in the morning. i don't think a boy has ever called and woken me up at that time before just to talk. it was seattle boy.

he was on his way home from visiting a girl and so he thought he'd call. he'd actually had a very full evening. after work, he met up with a girl for dinner -- how he described it: "hey, i just finished a date ... yeah, it was- it was a date ... and that's about- uh, about the extent of it" -- went home for a bit, called and left me a message, then another girl called him and invited him over -- a girl whom he describes as "she likes me, and i know she does, but i'm just not interested". and so he went over to hang out with her. on the way home from that, he called me again. (i had called and left him a message when i was on my way home from my date that evening, which was when he was at this girl's house. and actually, in my message i specifically said, "i'm on my way home, i'm going to bed, so if you get this within the next little bit, call me back, otherwise, call me tomorrow." evidently "the next little bit" means "anytime before the sun comes up" in seattle-boy-speak.)

i had been asleep before the phone rang -- err, vibrated ... y'know, somehow i can't wake up when my alarm clock blares 3 inches from my head, but the sound of my phone vibrating on the other side of my room can get me up and out of bed instantaneously ... :S

anyway, it took me a few minutes to wake up, but then we started into some nonsense conversation about i-don't-even-remember-what ... it was a normal conversation about nothing of importance.

about a half-hour into it, he got all serious:

"hey, i just wanted to apologize if your trip up here wasn't all you had hoped it would be."
"uhh, okay ... it's okay, it was fun -- i had a good time," i reassured him.
"i wanted you to know that i still really like you. i'm trying to figure out myself right now. and once i do that, i can --"
"-- figure out the rest of us?" i offered as a joke ... hi, i'm christianna, i make jokes when i'm nervous.
"heh, heh ... i know that we are both out there dating other people. and you and this girl that lives here, you two are at the top of my list. and so i just want you to know that and to remember me and know that there's still a possibility."
(i was processing.)
"of course if you meet some guy who can kick my butt, then by all means ..."
i interjected, "should i bring him up there to actually kick your butt?"
"yeah!"
"ookay! and are you gonna just bend over and let him, or are ya gonna fight him?"
"oh, no, no -- i'll fight him."
"but you'll let him win, right?"
"no way." then he continued, "you're growing on me ... you're like my fungus. hey, i think i'm going to start telling people that i have a fungus down in los angeles -- 'hey, yeah ... so, uh, i've got this fungus ... um, down in la ...'"
and after some more nonsense, "you know, i've thought about marrying you."
"you have?" i asked.
"yeah, and i've thought about what it would be like 10 or 20 years down the road. and i've decided that i think it would be good -- i think it would still be fun, that we'd be good with each other, that the love life would be good, that we'd be fine financially ..."

my reactions were a bit slow during this whole exchange. how i wish i had said or asked so many things: "you've said you like me before, and you changed your mind, when are you going to change it again? and are you gonna tell me when you do or do i have to just 'find out' again?" "if being married to me 10 or 20 years down the road is going to be so good, why don't we head that direction and find out?" "what *is* going on with the girl up there?" "*why* are you saying this now?" "what do you want from me?"

i did *not* expect this conversation. and still don't know what to do with the information.

i was fine before he said that. i think.

on my way home from my date that night, i got his message, right. and as i listened to it for the 5th time in a row, i started thinking about things. i have *loved* our relationship with the "just friends" label. it has been *really* good for us -- good for me. i've said previously that the kind of relationship i have with seattle boy is the kind of relationship i want with my future husband. and moreso now, since i got back from seattle. we've become better friends. we have gotten to know each other better. it has been so good. ... so as i was driving and listening to the message yet again, i realized that in *that* moment, all i wanted was for our relationship to be more than just friends. i started thinking that what i would love more than anything would be for him to tell me that his feelings for me have grown, that he doesn't want the "just friends" label anymore ... but then i took quick solace in the fact that it wasn't going to be more than friends -- i can't really explain why that thought comforted me, but it did. so i really didn't expect this conversation.

why did he say that? you see, while it was what i had been wanting to hear (kinda -- i mean, who wants to be called fungus?), it doesn't in actuality change anything. because he still lives in seattle, i still live here; he still expects me to go out and date people, looking for that special someone, as i expect him to do -- he's made no sort of commitment at all.

honestly, i really expect him to just wait out seattle girl's divorce and then date and marry her. i'll admit that the possibility of that happening scares me. but i think it scares me more now than it did before his mid-night call. before his call, i was actually getting kind of used to the idea that he was going to go out with her and then marry her. and that seemed fine to me.

i was also getting really used to the idea that i wouldn't ever get married. since the seattle trip, the thought of getting married has just been scary to me -- made me really nervous and even a bit nauseous. like, i'd get a sinking feeling in my stomach when i'd even just see people in relationships in commercials on tv. i've been trying to figure out why that is and haven't been able to come up with much.

i don't feel that way now when i think about the possibility of marrying seattle boy (p.s. -- seattle boy will kill me if he ever finds out that i call him seattle boy; he's a los angelino through and through).

perhaps because i think he knows me better than i let almost anyone know me.