self-reflection

okay. i've had some time to just reflect on some things recently and wanted to put it out in words to see if i can make some changes in my life.

i am judgemental. i never thought that i was. but recently i have discovered in myself a definition of that word that i hadn't previously considered. i think maybe a better way to say it would be "quick to judge". which, i guess follows suit since most people that know me can recognize that i am "quick" to do most things: i'm impulsive; i speed on the freeway (shh, don't tell); when i decide to do something, i do it right then; i eat quickly; i pee like a racehorse; i type quickly; i constantly look for short-cuts in most everything i do; and my harp teacher is about ready to tattoo "slow down" on my forehead ...

and i recently realized that i get very frustrated with people because i am quick to decide what their actions (or lack of actions) really mean, as if i have any place in doing so. and the part of that realization that really gets me is the fact that i cause the frustration myself.

i've already described a little about my work in an earlier blog. i work with a team of accountants from my firm and, together, we go to a client's office to accomplish our work. i am given assignments. i am expected to complete them. and i have seen during the last 2 weeks or so some aspects of myself that i'm not really happy about. i don't think my senior likes me. i think that he thinks i am not fast enough, not efficient enough, and not smart enough to accomplish the assignments he gives me. and i also just feel like he doesn't like me. we went to lunch as a team this week. he treated me very nicely -- he was kind, even asked me questions about my personal life (not prying, just making conversation), and was just very polite. i was taken aback. and i shouldn't have been. yes, during the previous week or so, he hadn't been very conversational during the work day, but he was working on his own stuff. i had judged his behaviour to mean that he didn't like me. i now believe i was wrong.

i have a good friend that lives out-of-state. so we keep in contact over the phone and such, and it's been really great. i think we've become better friends even. but there are times when i don't hear from him for like 5 to 6 days. yeah, i know: can you believe, 5 or 6 days!?! :S and somehow this sends me into a panic that we aren't friends anymore and that if i try calling him then i will be being too pushy and annoying. so i wait another day or two to see if he will call me. and then i finally give in, and i text him. he is more than happy to hear from me and we have a good conversation. i'll hear from him again a couple days later and i don't worry about it anymore until the cycle starts over again and i don't hear from him for another 5 or 6 days ...

ridiculous.

i have a friend at work that started on the same day as i did. we are both taking the CPA test (it's 4 tests that you can schedule and take on your own schedule). i know that he took one of his tests in january. i am certain that he got his score already and i am curious how he did. but i have convinced myself that he will get annoyed with me if i call him and ask.

one of my new girl friends likes to go running/jogging. not far and not fast. perfect: just like me. well, we have talked about going a couple times, and have even scheduled to go a couple times, but we still haven't gone. we were supposed to go this morning. she was going to call me when she woke up and was headed over to my place and we would go from here. she didn't call. and i didn't call her. i remember actually thinking about calling her and deciding that "if she really wanted to go, she would call me. so she must not want to go after all."

now, during this moment of self-reflection, again i have to just recognize how ridiculous all of this seems. if we were to reverse any of these situations, i wouldn't at all have the reactions that i am assuming these other people -- even people i call "my friends" -- would have. where's my foundation in assuming such reactions?

i need to communicate better. i have prided myself on my fearless, straight-forward nature when it comes to addressing some situations that generally scare people: public speaking, resolving maintenance issues with apartment management, teaching a class, helping resolve concerns between friends, stating an opinion that i know people won't like ... and yet, i am *sooo* bad at really communicating with the people who are important to me.