a friend?

i had an unsettling experience last night. and when i say "unsettling," that's exactly what i mean: unsettling. and so, yes, i am feeling unsettled. hmmm.

i talked with a friend last night.

lately when i talk to him, it's fun. last night was not. not that it was a painful experience or even anything uncomfortable or anything. we actually had a really nice conversation. but last night was different. last night *he* was different. it seemed like he had put up a wall, put some distance between us, made some conscious decision. about me? maybe. about something? definitely.

it was maybe just a week ago that he was flirting so shamelessly -- just really laying it on. we've had good, fun, flirty phone calls. we've had more serious what-do-you-want-in-life phone calls. we've had complete nonsense phone calls. it's been fun. it seemed like this was going somewhere.

last night he said something that he hasn't said for a long time, not since we had the "i like you" talk. he reiterated that he is looking for his best friend -- that's who he is going to marry -- and then said, again, that he is even open to marrying someone who already has kids. great. *i* don't have kids.

the comment probably wouldn't bother me so much except that i know there is a girl that he was recently very interested in that has 3 great kids. but this girl hurt him and that's when he started talking with me more and more. this just leaves me thinking that he must have made restitution with her.

he wasn't flirty last night.

i am his fallback, his plan b, his stand-in girlfriend.

i knew that going in this time around. but i had hoped it would have grown into something else. for me, it did.

i am completely in love with a guy that, on good days, can put up with me; on bad days, needs me as a distraction; and on normal days, would rather not have to tow around this dead weight. how does that happen?

question: if i feel this way, why do i insist on calling him even a friend? should a *friend*ship leave me feeling this way?