realizations

i realized something last night.

okay, first: so the longer story about this friend i went to visit in seattle: we met at a ysa pool party and barbecue on labor day last year. had so much fun talking and stuff and decided to go out that night. and we stayed out until about 5 am. it was *soo* much fun. went to santa monica, ate dinner, went out on the beach, walked around, then went back to his place and watched a movie, talked, and, yes, made out. it was so much fun. we started going out some. it was not an exclusive thing. well, for me it was: i wasn't dating anyone else -- i'd just moved down here and didn't really even know anyone else, actually. but that didn't matter so much because i wasn't really interested in dating anyone else at that point. but he was dating other people and was open about it -- didn't give me details, but he told me that there were other girls. okay.

it was actually a kind of a rough ride for me. i don't consider myself a jealous person -- which, actually, who can really say that they do consider themselves jealous people, who wants to have that label? and especially give it to themselves? -- but i found that when i would go even just a few days without hearing from him that i would wonder who he was out with and if i would ever hear from him again. and, in all honesty, usually it really wasn't that long before he'd call or text or something. though, i do remember feeling like i was nagging him sometimes when, because i hadn't heard from him, i'd call or text.

anyway, one time it had been a little over a week that i didn't hear from him. so i was starting another little pity party but tried to be proactive about getting out of it. so i went shopping. which, yeah, is something i *never* do: i must have really been having a hard day. well, as i was at the store, i got this text from him asking me out. that was fun. suddenly i was in a good mood again. though a little wary because i really didn't want to get my hopes up. (or maybe i did?) anyway, so he was playing soccer that night and asked if i wanted to come watch. sure. so i did. then we went back to his place to hang out. as i was leaving that night we stood out by the car for a while talking. and he asked me if i was dating anyone else. i laughed. he said, "no really". so i told him i wasn't. and i asked if he was. and he told me there were a couple girls, one that he talked to a lot but who lived out-of-state. and then he said -- as if this made it better -- "but you live here." !! well, i tried to make some joke about that being my only good quality, which kinda fell flat. but i didn't really want to talk about that -- it hurt my feelings.

then the next night we went and played ultimate frisbee -- not something i've ever played before, but i was trying to be a good sport and, sure, why not? then back to his house afterwards for a little while. as i kissed him goodbye, i kinda thought it would be the last time i kissed him. there was someting in his eyes.

fast forward one month. yeah, one month without a word. so i texted him. (well, i shouldn't be so unfair, we texted back and forth a couple times, but i was always the instigator.) so finally after a month, i just asked him, "so can you tell me the reason why you don't call anymore?" i just wanted to know. he said sure and that we could meet for lunch that week.

that was a stressful lunch -- well, mostly the leading-up-to-it that was stressful. i think i already knew what he would say, but i still hoped it wasn't the case. anyway, lunch was fine. almost immediately after we sat down he just said "remember that girl i told you about that lives out-of-state? well, i went up there to visit and completely fell for her." okay!

well, we were friends then. and he had lots of ups and downs with this other girl. (this is the girl that i mentioned in my other blog, the girl that has 3 kids.) i'd like to say that i became a friend he could talk to about her -- we did talk about her and about their relationship -- but it wasn't really the friendship i imagined we were having -- we'd really only have contact when i, yet again, got fed up with not hearing from him so i'd text or call or whatever. i guess sometimes he would just check in with me to see what was up, but i felt like it was only to be polite.

so friends it was. he is a kick in the pants -- so friends was fun. and i was content with that, but i have to admit that i did want more. though, i wouldn't do anything about that until he was no longer interested in/dating this other girl. (1) i didn't want to be *that* girl. (2) i didn't want to get hurt by putting myself out there again.

in january he texted me to hang out one day. that was great! he came over and we talked about "what does it mean to be 'in love'?" and he told me about what was going on with this other girl. i felt bad for him and didn't want him to be going through that -- she was sending really mixed signals and it was hurting him. and then he told me that he had a job interview out-of-state. and when i say "out-of-state," i actually mean the same "out-of-state" where this girl lives. interesting. and, though he listed off all the reasons why this would be a good move for him -- money, change, etc., none of which included the girl -- by his blatant avoidance of her name, i knew she was the number one reason he would go. though he was hurting, how could he not hope that moving up there would help things? we've all been there.

so he got the job. he moved. i helped him pack and clean. things got worse with the girl. he started calling me. at first i was surprised to hear from him. thought he might use the move as his escape from me. but he called. though i would like to believe that he missed me and that the cliché "absense makes the heart grow fonder" really was true, i knew he was lonely. and i knew i was his back up, his plan b, his second choice, his stand-in-girlfriend-when-there-is-no-one-else. but i thought that maybe that could be okay. as we talked more and more it seemed like this might be going somewhere. he invited me to come up. repeatedly. sometimes it was a serious invite, other times more of a joking, "hey why don't you come over for a movie", "okay, i'll be right there, wait for me" thing. so when i was tired of the limbo, i just responded to his invitation one time, "okay, so when? when can i come?" and he told me. so we planned on it. i bought a plane ticket. and *really* looked forward to my trip.

the anticipation was fun. we'd talk about what we were going to do. and our conversations got onto more -- for lack of a better word -- "interesting" topics. we talked about future dreams, how many kids to have, stay-at-home mom vs. working mom ... and i let myself run with that. he'd flirt shamelessly with me. i'd flirt back. it was *fun*. in every sense of the word.

then suddenly he turned it off. the details of that unsettling experience are in a previous blog. that was the monday before i went up there. we talked again on wednesday that week, which was fine, but he was still distanced. and then i flew up there on friday.

the trip was good overall. friday night was fun. we just hung out, got french toast, talked. saturday we went to seattle and did fun things. sunday (easter) was church. monday he had to work so i went to UW and saw some other friends and just hung out. i do have more to say about the trip, but i think that will wait for another blog. because what i want to get to is this:

i realized something last night. it hadn't ever entered into my head ... he doesn't have feelings for me. you see, i kinda just thought that he chose this other girl over me -- but assumed that he did have *some* feelings for me, just not as much as for her. but what if there really is *nothing* there but friendship? what does that mean? we had a really fun, fast, hot beginning, but that can run its course, right? why didn't i get the memo that it had fizzled out? i still think he is a kick in the pants. i have a great time with him. i hope we can stay friends for a long time. he thinks i'm funny. he's told me that i'm hilarious, that i crack him up, and that he loves that. but "funny" isn't enough on which to base a relationship ... i hope that he doesn't one day decide he's had enough laughs ...

something else i realized last night. i am terrified that i will end up with someone i am not physically attracted to. you see, i have dated a few people -- i was never a big dater, but i do go out -- and usually it is one of two types: (1) i have a great time with him and our personalities just mesh really well, or (2) i am physically attracted to him. for instance, right now i have started going out with a guy that we have a great time with each other, laugh, joke, enjoy the time together. but i'm not attracted to him, i don't feel the desire to kiss him or anything. in jim, i found a great combination. he's one of my favorite people to talk to and hang out with *and* he can get my motor going. this is why i am having such a hard time letting him go. (maybe i just need to let go?)

i should have enough faith to recognize that i won't *have* to marry anyone that i don't *want* to. and i have gotten to know enough people to know that a good personality just makes someone all the more attractive. but yeah. this is the fear that i have.

okay, i'm not sure that i feel "better" for having put all this out there, but these are the thoughts that have been running through my head. now what?