new developments

a recent text message battle with seattle boy:

seattle boy: "hey, so to be honest? i'm sorry cuz i know you like me and to be honest i like you and i like ellen too (that's her name) ... i love her actually -- i've talked to her waaay more than you so don't let that frustrate you. thing is that's not fair to you and i think that if i could really make up my mind about who i could have a happy life with i'd go that route but i'm sucking at that decision making process. i could love you too ... perhaps easily. but i'm keeping a little distant because it wouldn't be fair to her. truth is, i'm a bit torn between both of you and frankly it sucks. i wanted to let you know where i am. i understand if you think i suck. i hope you don't. i don't want you to think i'm stringing you along ... at least not purposefully. i apologize if i'm hurting you. i've really got myself into a pickle here. i talk to her and i love her. i talk to you and love talking to you! then i just get flustered. i want what's best for me and i honestly don't know who that is. having been married before i certainly do not want to marry the wrong person. she has three kids that i love too! but we can't really talk until she's fully divorced and we don't know when that will be. grrr ... this is tough."

me: "jim, i'm okay. it's funny, i spent most of the weekend trying to figure out how to tell you that i think it's important for you to figure out how you feel about ellen before you even think about me -- i don't want to be in the middle either -- i do really like you, but i think it's good for us to be friends -- even friends that flirt shamelessly because that's fun -- until you can figure that out. i love being friends with you. i don't think you suck. i've thought about a future with you -- i think it would be good, but only if you're sure about what you want. which at this point you aren't. it's okay. i actually fully expect you to wait for her divorce to come out and see where that goes. i want you to be happy and i'm not gonna trap you into something because ... i also want me to be happy. :) i'm okay with you and i hope you're okay with me. i'll tell you if i'm ever not okay. okay?"

seattle boy: "man you have no idea how much i appreciate your understanding. i do enjoy our conversations and you. i appreciate your patience. geez i just really appreciate you. thank you! :)"

me: "careful, i'm gonna get a big head to match yours. :) no, we're good. i appreciate your telling me this -- i've been wondering. i know where i am with you, and i'm good with that -- i think you're a kick in the pants and like talking to you. so yeah, we're good."

seattle boy: "yeah. i don't want you wondering and i'll try to keep you updated on things k? i really enjoy talking to you."

on a date at the getty

i love museums. i lived in new york a couple years ago -- was there on an internship -- and i went to the met at least twice a month. it's amazing if you haven't ever been there. i could spend my whole day there and still not be able to see everything i wanted. the funny thing was that i would usually end up spending most of my time at the picasso exhibit in the modern art area. they had a beautiful painting there -- his "woman in white," that i just loved. it wasn't up when i was there in december last year. but hopefully they'll bring it out again. i don't know what it is about this painting, but i could sit and look at it for (not kidding) hours.

i got to go to the getty here in la on a date last week. we didn't get there until late -- about an hour before closing -- but were able to look at some of the exhibits and spend some time out on the balconies -- the city lights are just beautiful from there. it was seriously amazing. that building is just beautiful, even without the art exhibits. we got to see this exhibit of photos of la and the la river, which was really neat. it's fun to see something that you see everyday in a piece of art that makes it somehow more special.

so, the date: i had been out with this guy once before. it's kinda funny because we met at a speed-dating activity at fhe back in january and were a match. the first time we went out, we went miniature golfing and it was so much fun. he's a really good guy and fun to talk to and hang out with. it had been probably about a month since the miniature golfing, but life had been crazy with my busy season wrapping up and his starting a new job. so ... we finally got squared away that we would go out last friday.

i felt so bad because it was my fault that we got to the museum so late that night. i had just started a new engagement at work and couldn't skip out of the client's office very early (when i say "very early," i mean "by 5"), especially because my manager was there that day. so, because i needed to go drop something off for a partner at 6, i took the opportunity to let that be when i left for the day. the only problem was that when i got over to meet up with the partner, she ended up needing something else, too, so it delayed me even more. i didn't leave west lake village until 640 ... supposed to be down in santa monica at 7. and i still had to go home to change. grrr.

speed-dater's cell phone broke the week before last. so i couldn't call him. so ... what do you do? i went home and changed and brushed my teeth and headed down. we were meeting up at the temple visitors center, so i tried calling them, hoping that they might be able to take a message for me but they had just closed for remodel and so weren't taking calls or anything. so i just drove down, fully aware that i may have just missed him anyway. i got down there at 745 and couldn't find his car. i drove around a bit and waited. as i was about to leave, i saw him pull in -- he had gone to a friend's place for a bit and came back.

i explained what happened and he said it was okay. but i could tell he was bothered by my tardiness. i probably would have been, too, i guess. i just don't know what i could have done differently. anyway, we went to the museum and had a good time. we talked a lot and it was nice. after the museum, we got some thai food and headed over to diddy riese's for ice cream sandwiches -- yumm!

he took me back over to the temple to get my car and ... ha ha ... the gate was closed and locked! umm, yeah. so ... speed-dater got out to see if there was anyone in the security booth ... nope, nobody. but -- there was an intercom system thing! yay! he called and the security guard came to open the gate, so it was okay. as i was saying goodbye to speed-dater, though, it just seemed like he was a little disappointed. we didn't hug goodbye or anything -- he said he'd call me when his phone got fixed -- and then i just got out of his car and into mine.

the next day i emailed him a thank you. i don't really expect that we'll go out again. i'm a little sad about that. he's a really nice guy. at the same time, though, i don't know that i can really picture it going anywhere with him. maybe we'll be able to be just friends. but i don't know that that will happen either. *shrug*. dunno.

why did he say that?

my phone rang the other night at 1:30 in the morning. i don't think a boy has ever called and woken me up at that time before just to talk. it was seattle boy.

he was on his way home from visiting a girl and so he thought he'd call. he'd actually had a very full evening. after work, he met up with a girl for dinner -- how he described it: "hey, i just finished a date ... yeah, it was- it was a date ... and that's about- uh, about the extent of it" -- went home for a bit, called and left me a message, then another girl called him and invited him over -- a girl whom he describes as "she likes me, and i know she does, but i'm just not interested". and so he went over to hang out with her. on the way home from that, he called me again. (i had called and left him a message when i was on my way home from my date that evening, which was when he was at this girl's house. and actually, in my message i specifically said, "i'm on my way home, i'm going to bed, so if you get this within the next little bit, call me back, otherwise, call me tomorrow." evidently "the next little bit" means "anytime before the sun comes up" in seattle-boy-speak.)

i had been asleep before the phone rang -- err, vibrated ... y'know, somehow i can't wake up when my alarm clock blares 3 inches from my head, but the sound of my phone vibrating on the other side of my room can get me up and out of bed instantaneously ... :S

anyway, it took me a few minutes to wake up, but then we started into some nonsense conversation about i-don't-even-remember-what ... it was a normal conversation about nothing of importance.

about a half-hour into it, he got all serious:

"hey, i just wanted to apologize if your trip up here wasn't all you had hoped it would be."
"uhh, okay ... it's okay, it was fun -- i had a good time," i reassured him.
"i wanted you to know that i still really like you. i'm trying to figure out myself right now. and once i do that, i can --"
"-- figure out the rest of us?" i offered as a joke ... hi, i'm christianna, i make jokes when i'm nervous.
"heh, heh ... i know that we are both out there dating other people. and you and this girl that lives here, you two are at the top of my list. and so i just want you to know that and to remember me and know that there's still a possibility."
(i was processing.)
"of course if you meet some guy who can kick my butt, then by all means ..."
i interjected, "should i bring him up there to actually kick your butt?"
"yeah!"
"ookay! and are you gonna just bend over and let him, or are ya gonna fight him?"
"oh, no, no -- i'll fight him."
"but you'll let him win, right?"
"no way." then he continued, "you're growing on me ... you're like my fungus. hey, i think i'm going to start telling people that i have a fungus down in los angeles -- 'hey, yeah ... so, uh, i've got this fungus ... um, down in la ...'"
and after some more nonsense, "you know, i've thought about marrying you."
"you have?" i asked.
"yeah, and i've thought about what it would be like 10 or 20 years down the road. and i've decided that i think it would be good -- i think it would still be fun, that we'd be good with each other, that the love life would be good, that we'd be fine financially ..."

my reactions were a bit slow during this whole exchange. how i wish i had said or asked so many things: "you've said you like me before, and you changed your mind, when are you going to change it again? and are you gonna tell me when you do or do i have to just 'find out' again?" "if being married to me 10 or 20 years down the road is going to be so good, why don't we head that direction and find out?" "what *is* going on with the girl up there?" "*why* are you saying this now?" "what do you want from me?"

i did *not* expect this conversation. and still don't know what to do with the information.

i was fine before he said that. i think.

on my way home from my date that night, i got his message, right. and as i listened to it for the 5th time in a row, i started thinking about things. i have *loved* our relationship with the "just friends" label. it has been *really* good for us -- good for me. i've said previously that the kind of relationship i have with seattle boy is the kind of relationship i want with my future husband. and moreso now, since i got back from seattle. we've become better friends. we have gotten to know each other better. it has been so good. ... so as i was driving and listening to the message yet again, i realized that in *that* moment, all i wanted was for our relationship to be more than just friends. i started thinking that what i would love more than anything would be for him to tell me that his feelings for me have grown, that he doesn't want the "just friends" label anymore ... but then i took quick solace in the fact that it wasn't going to be more than friends -- i can't really explain why that thought comforted me, but it did. so i really didn't expect this conversation.

why did he say that? you see, while it was what i had been wanting to hear (kinda -- i mean, who wants to be called fungus?), it doesn't in actuality change anything. because he still lives in seattle, i still live here; he still expects me to go out and date people, looking for that special someone, as i expect him to do -- he's made no sort of commitment at all.

honestly, i really expect him to just wait out seattle girl's divorce and then date and marry her. i'll admit that the possibility of that happening scares me. but i think it scares me more now than it did before his mid-night call. before his call, i was actually getting kind of used to the idea that he was going to go out with her and then marry her. and that seemed fine to me.

i was also getting really used to the idea that i wouldn't ever get married. since the seattle trip, the thought of getting married has just been scary to me -- made me really nervous and even a bit nauseous. like, i'd get a sinking feeling in my stomach when i'd even just see people in relationships in commercials on tv. i've been trying to figure out why that is and haven't been able to come up with much.

i don't feel that way now when i think about the possibility of marrying seattle boy (p.s. -- seattle boy will kill me if he ever finds out that i call him seattle boy; he's a los angelino through and through).

perhaps because i think he knows me better than i let almost anyone know me.

not-so-blind date

i live with the cutest little lady ever. she's a 70-year-old widow and just so funny. she has a friend -- also an about-70-year-old widow -- who has a son ... well, my roommate and his mom decided that he should be my future husband. so ...

after about 7 months of them not doing anything about the set-up, i decided to take matters into my own hands. i had met the kid previously and he seemed like a good guy. so i asked my roommate for his mom's phone number, called and spoke with her, got his cell phone number ... and called and left a message. "hi, mike, this is christianna and i'm not sure if you even remember me, but i thought i'd see if you want to go out sometime. so give me a call back, okay?" two days later he returned my call; we decided to go out on saturday last week.

okay, so the date on saturday: totally fell asleep. *and* he noticed and even woke me up and suggested that maybe i should just go to bed ... :S but it wasn’t really my fault! first of all, i stayed up talking on the phone with a friend of mine until about 130 on friday night. then i had to get up at 500 on saturday morning to go down to the temple. then, from the temple, i went straight up to my sister's to babysit her son for the rest of the day ... so it was already a long day.

and so that night, we went to dinner at el torito (*yummy* mexican!) and by the time we were done eating and talking and stuff it was well after 11, so not really gonna make it to see a movie at the theater ... so i just suggested we go to my house to watch a movie. well, hmmm ... me and movies at home ... and especially because it was one i had already seen -- serenity ... or at least i thought i had already seen it, but then after he woke me up, there were scenes i don’t think i’ve ever seen before ... guess i must have fallen asleep in that one before. grrr. i think i am gonna have to try and watch that for reals this weekend because i totally thought i had seen it ... which is why sometimes i put it on when i am going to bed -- i almost have the whole beginning memorized. in fact, i could probably act it out for ya and you wouldn’t even know that you weren’t watching the actual movie! really.

anyway, see? sleeping on the date: not my fault.

and so, then sunday i was debating when i should call future-husband and apologize yet again for falling asleep and see if he wanted to go out again, and i decided that i should probably wait the standard 2 days -- don't want to appear too eager, nor do i want to pester him in case he really was upset by it, or whatever. but then *he* called *me* that evening! for no reason! just to say hi! so, hmmm. i couldn't really talk right then because we were having dinner, but we talked for about 5 minutes. i'll probably call him back tonight.

i love seattle!

so i’ve been trying to decide what i thought about my trip to seattle still. it was a fun trip. i had a good time. seattle boy and i are friends. i guess that’s the part to tell, huh? as i blogged previously, we talked on monday before i went up there and he was just different, distanced -- he’d already decided it wasn’t gonna go anywhere. so that frustrated me because i felt like i hadn’t been given a chance. i was hurt and i wasn’t sure i should still go, but i decided i wanted to go anyway. so yeah. and it was fine.

got there late friday and we just hung out for a bit and i got to see his ducks, which was fun. we got french toast at denny’s and then he took me up to where i was staying … which i felt *sooooo* bad because it was so late by the time i got there ... but the girl i was staying with was so kind about it. she even let me have her bed!?! yeah, and *she* took the couch!? i felt so bad ... i mean, i *love* sleeping on the couch, but i don’t think that’s normal ...

anyway, then saturday we went down to seattle and went to pike place, and just walked around a bit. then we went on a ferry ride and then drove down this beautiful, sylvan road ... *sooooo* pretty. i love seattle.

saturday was kinda strange. he was acting kinda like he had to *show* me that he wasn’t interested. so i kinda felt like a little puppy dog that was following him around. but we did have fun, and it was cool to go on the ferry and stuff. i got to see where he works and hang out a little around where he lives.

sunday was so much fun. we went to church with the girl i was staying with up at the university ward. i actually knew a couple of people there, which was fun. and then we hung out at her place for most of the day -- played games and stuff with her roommates and just hung out and talked and stuff. it was nice. and actually it was good for us to go to church up there because he has really just felt so alone in seattle and didn’t know anyone, so he got to meet some singles at church and find out about their fhe and activities and stuff, which is going to be so good for him. he’s a very social person, but it amazes me that he seems to have such a hard time meeting people and going out and doing stuff -- he said that most nights he comes straight home from work and doesn’t do anything.

monday, he couldn’t get out of work. being the new-bie, everyone else had seniority as far as getting the day off and since it was easter weekend, everyone wanted the day off. so he had to work, but it was fine because i went down to uw and got to have lunch with the girl i was staying with and got to see some of my other friends there. i actually *really* liked uw and being back on campus. made me miss being a student. so i decided that i am going to quit my job and go back to school. but, because i don’t really like doing homework or taking tests, i am not going to register for classes, but just attend the ones i want to go to. and then it’s totally no responsibilities at all. i think it’s gonna be great!

but yeah, so then he came in the evening to take me to the airport. the whole ride to the airport i was trying to think of how to say something to him to express that i didn’t like how he treated me on saturday and just let him know that i get it -- i understand that he doesn’t want to date me -- and that it’s okay. but the ride was a lot shorter than i thought it would be and we arrived at the airport before i had said a thing! well, i mean, we had conversation and it was actually really funny -- he is a hoot and a half -- but not what i wanted to talk about. anyway, so then he gives me this big hug at the airport. it was really nice. and i was thinking about just letting it go and not saying anything, but i knew that if nothing was said, i would still just be upset and frustrated and maybe he'd still wonder and think that he needs to make sure i get it through my head that he's not interested -- i knew he wasn’t gonna say anything.

and so of all the things i had wanted to say ... all i could get out was “hey -- we’re okay as just friends, right?” and he looked kinda surprised that i said that, and was like “of course”. and i just said “because i don’t want you to stop talking to me or being my friend because you think i’m in love with you.” and he interjected with a smirk, “well, because you are ...” and i responded in the affirmative and was just like, “well, yeah, but i’m stifling it.” which started another nonsense conversation about how much it costs to stifle and so how much money i owe him for stifling for 34 years ... anyway, and then he was just like, “yeah, no, you crack me up, and i love that.” ... so there’s that.

so here we are. we’ve been having text message battles since i got back. haven’t talked on the phone yet, but i think we’re okay. i think we’ll be fine as friends now.

i have been back and forth about whether or not i think the trip was a good idea because i was really frustrated and hurt with the way that things played out, but i think i’ve decided it was good for me to have gone. if nothing else, (1) he knows that i understand that we are just friends so he doesn’t have to push that on me anymore, and (2) i feel better about things -- i can't really explain that more than to say that i feel better about things.

i’ve been going on some dates recently. not entirely sure that i am all that interested in any of the guys i’ve been out with, but i’m moving on and getting out there. i am trying to not at all be using these other guys to get over seattle boy, because i don’t want to do that to them, and i actually really feel like now i have let go of him ... well, almost there ... but yeah.

realizations

i realized something last night.

okay, first: so the longer story about this friend i went to visit in seattle: we met at a ysa pool party and barbecue on labor day last year. had so much fun talking and stuff and decided to go out that night. and we stayed out until about 5 am. it was *soo* much fun. went to santa monica, ate dinner, went out on the beach, walked around, then went back to his place and watched a movie, talked, and, yes, made out. it was so much fun. we started going out some. it was not an exclusive thing. well, for me it was: i wasn't dating anyone else -- i'd just moved down here and didn't really even know anyone else, actually. but that didn't matter so much because i wasn't really interested in dating anyone else at that point. but he was dating other people and was open about it -- didn't give me details, but he told me that there were other girls. okay.

it was actually a kind of a rough ride for me. i don't consider myself a jealous person -- which, actually, who can really say that they do consider themselves jealous people, who wants to have that label? and especially give it to themselves? -- but i found that when i would go even just a few days without hearing from him that i would wonder who he was out with and if i would ever hear from him again. and, in all honesty, usually it really wasn't that long before he'd call or text or something. though, i do remember feeling like i was nagging him sometimes when, because i hadn't heard from him, i'd call or text.

anyway, one time it had been a little over a week that i didn't hear from him. so i was starting another little pity party but tried to be proactive about getting out of it. so i went shopping. which, yeah, is something i *never* do: i must have really been having a hard day. well, as i was at the store, i got this text from him asking me out. that was fun. suddenly i was in a good mood again. though a little wary because i really didn't want to get my hopes up. (or maybe i did?) anyway, so he was playing soccer that night and asked if i wanted to come watch. sure. so i did. then we went back to his place to hang out. as i was leaving that night we stood out by the car for a while talking. and he asked me if i was dating anyone else. i laughed. he said, "no really". so i told him i wasn't. and i asked if he was. and he told me there were a couple girls, one that he talked to a lot but who lived out-of-state. and then he said -- as if this made it better -- "but you live here." !! well, i tried to make some joke about that being my only good quality, which kinda fell flat. but i didn't really want to talk about that -- it hurt my feelings.

then the next night we went and played ultimate frisbee -- not something i've ever played before, but i was trying to be a good sport and, sure, why not? then back to his house afterwards for a little while. as i kissed him goodbye, i kinda thought it would be the last time i kissed him. there was someting in his eyes.

fast forward one month. yeah, one month without a word. so i texted him. (well, i shouldn't be so unfair, we texted back and forth a couple times, but i was always the instigator.) so finally after a month, i just asked him, "so can you tell me the reason why you don't call anymore?" i just wanted to know. he said sure and that we could meet for lunch that week.

that was a stressful lunch -- well, mostly the leading-up-to-it that was stressful. i think i already knew what he would say, but i still hoped it wasn't the case. anyway, lunch was fine. almost immediately after we sat down he just said "remember that girl i told you about that lives out-of-state? well, i went up there to visit and completely fell for her." okay!

well, we were friends then. and he had lots of ups and downs with this other girl. (this is the girl that i mentioned in my other blog, the girl that has 3 kids.) i'd like to say that i became a friend he could talk to about her -- we did talk about her and about their relationship -- but it wasn't really the friendship i imagined we were having -- we'd really only have contact when i, yet again, got fed up with not hearing from him so i'd text or call or whatever. i guess sometimes he would just check in with me to see what was up, but i felt like it was only to be polite.

so friends it was. he is a kick in the pants -- so friends was fun. and i was content with that, but i have to admit that i did want more. though, i wouldn't do anything about that until he was no longer interested in/dating this other girl. (1) i didn't want to be *that* girl. (2) i didn't want to get hurt by putting myself out there again.

in january he texted me to hang out one day. that was great! he came over and we talked about "what does it mean to be 'in love'?" and he told me about what was going on with this other girl. i felt bad for him and didn't want him to be going through that -- she was sending really mixed signals and it was hurting him. and then he told me that he had a job interview out-of-state. and when i say "out-of-state," i actually mean the same "out-of-state" where this girl lives. interesting. and, though he listed off all the reasons why this would be a good move for him -- money, change, etc., none of which included the girl -- by his blatant avoidance of her name, i knew she was the number one reason he would go. though he was hurting, how could he not hope that moving up there would help things? we've all been there.

so he got the job. he moved. i helped him pack and clean. things got worse with the girl. he started calling me. at first i was surprised to hear from him. thought he might use the move as his escape from me. but he called. though i would like to believe that he missed me and that the cliché "absense makes the heart grow fonder" really was true, i knew he was lonely. and i knew i was his back up, his plan b, his second choice, his stand-in-girlfriend-when-there-is-no-one-else. but i thought that maybe that could be okay. as we talked more and more it seemed like this might be going somewhere. he invited me to come up. repeatedly. sometimes it was a serious invite, other times more of a joking, "hey why don't you come over for a movie", "okay, i'll be right there, wait for me" thing. so when i was tired of the limbo, i just responded to his invitation one time, "okay, so when? when can i come?" and he told me. so we planned on it. i bought a plane ticket. and *really* looked forward to my trip.

the anticipation was fun. we'd talk about what we were going to do. and our conversations got onto more -- for lack of a better word -- "interesting" topics. we talked about future dreams, how many kids to have, stay-at-home mom vs. working mom ... and i let myself run with that. he'd flirt shamelessly with me. i'd flirt back. it was *fun*. in every sense of the word.

then suddenly he turned it off. the details of that unsettling experience are in a previous blog. that was the monday before i went up there. we talked again on wednesday that week, which was fine, but he was still distanced. and then i flew up there on friday.

the trip was good overall. friday night was fun. we just hung out, got french toast, talked. saturday we went to seattle and did fun things. sunday (easter) was church. monday he had to work so i went to UW and saw some other friends and just hung out. i do have more to say about the trip, but i think that will wait for another blog. because what i want to get to is this:

i realized something last night. it hadn't ever entered into my head ... he doesn't have feelings for me. you see, i kinda just thought that he chose this other girl over me -- but assumed that he did have *some* feelings for me, just not as much as for her. but what if there really is *nothing* there but friendship? what does that mean? we had a really fun, fast, hot beginning, but that can run its course, right? why didn't i get the memo that it had fizzled out? i still think he is a kick in the pants. i have a great time with him. i hope we can stay friends for a long time. he thinks i'm funny. he's told me that i'm hilarious, that i crack him up, and that he loves that. but "funny" isn't enough on which to base a relationship ... i hope that he doesn't one day decide he's had enough laughs ...

something else i realized last night. i am terrified that i will end up with someone i am not physically attracted to. you see, i have dated a few people -- i was never a big dater, but i do go out -- and usually it is one of two types: (1) i have a great time with him and our personalities just mesh really well, or (2) i am physically attracted to him. for instance, right now i have started going out with a guy that we have a great time with each other, laugh, joke, enjoy the time together. but i'm not attracted to him, i don't feel the desire to kiss him or anything. in jim, i found a great combination. he's one of my favorite people to talk to and hang out with *and* he can get my motor going. this is why i am having such a hard time letting him go. (maybe i just need to let go?)

i should have enough faith to recognize that i won't *have* to marry anyone that i don't *want* to. and i have gotten to know enough people to know that a good personality just makes someone all the more attractive. but yeah. this is the fear that i have.

okay, i'm not sure that i feel "better" for having put all this out there, but these are the thoughts that have been running through my head. now what?

lips of an angel - hinder

i love the song "lips of an angel" by hinder. and i am a little bothered that i love it so much. because, really, what a situation to be in! a guy is dating a new girl and is still in love with his ex-girlfriend. and she is likewise dating a new guy and is still in love with the ex. where's the fidelity and honesty in these relationships? i mean, the lyrics say it pretty clearly, "but girl you make it hard to be faithful with the lips of an angel."

before i continue: i do not approve of infidelity. yeah, just don't think it is that cool. which is why it bothers me so much that i *love* this song.

but i have recently decided that the reason i like this song -- besides austin's amazing voice -- is that the guy is *so* in love with this girl. my favorite line is "it's really good to hear your voice say my name; it sounds so sweet, coming from the lips of an angel, hearing those words it makes me weak." i mean, who doesn't want to be told that? and especially for a guy with such an apparent tough exterior to reveal such a vulnerable side of himself -- his weakness. *sigh!*

one step closer

took the third of four cpa exams on monday. i was *sooooo* very not ready for the test. but i was really blessed. most of the test came from what (very little) i managed to study during busy season. and the other big chunk was covering a subject that i taught to my finance and accounting students last year -- and reviewed repeatedly with them.

i am still just hopeful that i passed. but i recognize that it could have been *much* worse. let's just hope that i really am one more step closer to finishing this thing.

of course, after finishing these four exams, there is an ethics exam (take-home, open book -- heck, if it is take-home, it's kinda open book, open neighbor, open whatever -- and you get to try three times to pass), and then i just have to work for another year in order to get the required work experience ... but that's beside the point.

i'm taking the last test at the end of may. hopefully that means this dumb cpa stuff won't ruin my summer. :) let's hope!

a friend?

i had an unsettling experience last night. and when i say "unsettling," that's exactly what i mean: unsettling. and so, yes, i am feeling unsettled. hmmm.

i talked with a friend last night.

lately when i talk to him, it's fun. last night was not. not that it was a painful experience or even anything uncomfortable or anything. we actually had a really nice conversation. but last night was different. last night *he* was different. it seemed like he had put up a wall, put some distance between us, made some conscious decision. about me? maybe. about something? definitely.

it was maybe just a week ago that he was flirting so shamelessly -- just really laying it on. we've had good, fun, flirty phone calls. we've had more serious what-do-you-want-in-life phone calls. we've had complete nonsense phone calls. it's been fun. it seemed like this was going somewhere.

last night he said something that he hasn't said for a long time, not since we had the "i like you" talk. he reiterated that he is looking for his best friend -- that's who he is going to marry -- and then said, again, that he is even open to marrying someone who already has kids. great. *i* don't have kids.

the comment probably wouldn't bother me so much except that i know there is a girl that he was recently very interested in that has 3 great kids. but this girl hurt him and that's when he started talking with me more and more. this just leaves me thinking that he must have made restitution with her.

he wasn't flirty last night.

i am his fallback, his plan b, his stand-in girlfriend.

i knew that going in this time around. but i had hoped it would have grown into something else. for me, it did.

i am completely in love with a guy that, on good days, can put up with me; on bad days, needs me as a distraction; and on normal days, would rather not have to tow around this dead weight. how does that happen?

question: if i feel this way, why do i insist on calling him even a friend? should a *friend*ship leave me feeling this way?

changed my mind

i think i don't want to go to seattle anymore.

self-reflection

okay. i've had some time to just reflect on some things recently and wanted to put it out in words to see if i can make some changes in my life.

i am judgemental. i never thought that i was. but recently i have discovered in myself a definition of that word that i hadn't previously considered. i think maybe a better way to say it would be "quick to judge". which, i guess follows suit since most people that know me can recognize that i am "quick" to do most things: i'm impulsive; i speed on the freeway (shh, don't tell); when i decide to do something, i do it right then; i eat quickly; i pee like a racehorse; i type quickly; i constantly look for short-cuts in most everything i do; and my harp teacher is about ready to tattoo "slow down" on my forehead ...

and i recently realized that i get very frustrated with people because i am quick to decide what their actions (or lack of actions) really mean, as if i have any place in doing so. and the part of that realization that really gets me is the fact that i cause the frustration myself.

i've already described a little about my work in an earlier blog. i work with a team of accountants from my firm and, together, we go to a client's office to accomplish our work. i am given assignments. i am expected to complete them. and i have seen during the last 2 weeks or so some aspects of myself that i'm not really happy about. i don't think my senior likes me. i think that he thinks i am not fast enough, not efficient enough, and not smart enough to accomplish the assignments he gives me. and i also just feel like he doesn't like me. we went to lunch as a team this week. he treated me very nicely -- he was kind, even asked me questions about my personal life (not prying, just making conversation), and was just very polite. i was taken aback. and i shouldn't have been. yes, during the previous week or so, he hadn't been very conversational during the work day, but he was working on his own stuff. i had judged his behaviour to mean that he didn't like me. i now believe i was wrong.

i have a good friend that lives out-of-state. so we keep in contact over the phone and such, and it's been really great. i think we've become better friends even. but there are times when i don't hear from him for like 5 to 6 days. yeah, i know: can you believe, 5 or 6 days!?! :S and somehow this sends me into a panic that we aren't friends anymore and that if i try calling him then i will be being too pushy and annoying. so i wait another day or two to see if he will call me. and then i finally give in, and i text him. he is more than happy to hear from me and we have a good conversation. i'll hear from him again a couple days later and i don't worry about it anymore until the cycle starts over again and i don't hear from him for another 5 or 6 days ...

ridiculous.

i have a friend at work that started on the same day as i did. we are both taking the CPA test (it's 4 tests that you can schedule and take on your own schedule). i know that he took one of his tests in january. i am certain that he got his score already and i am curious how he did. but i have convinced myself that he will get annoyed with me if i call him and ask.

one of my new girl friends likes to go running/jogging. not far and not fast. perfect: just like me. well, we have talked about going a couple times, and have even scheduled to go a couple times, but we still haven't gone. we were supposed to go this morning. she was going to call me when she woke up and was headed over to my place and we would go from here. she didn't call. and i didn't call her. i remember actually thinking about calling her and deciding that "if she really wanted to go, she would call me. so she must not want to go after all."

now, during this moment of self-reflection, again i have to just recognize how ridiculous all of this seems. if we were to reverse any of these situations, i wouldn't at all have the reactions that i am assuming these other people -- even people i call "my friends" -- would have. where's my foundation in assuming such reactions?

i need to communicate better. i have prided myself on my fearless, straight-forward nature when it comes to addressing some situations that generally scare people: public speaking, resolving maintenance issues with apartment management, teaching a class, helping resolve concerns between friends, stating an opinion that i know people won't like ... and yet, i am *sooo* bad at really communicating with the people who are important to me.