a (runaway) train of thought

cute guy said to me last night that he thought i had given up on getting married. he said that he thought i had said something at some point to the effect of "well, if it happens, it happens. but if not, that's okay." which, i guess may be exactly what i said, but not intending to mean that i have given up on the whole getting married thing. and i told him that. i told him that perhaps i had said that, but what i meant was that i know that it isn't all up to me. i know that if i do get married, i will. but if i don't, i know that i will be happy and be okay with it because i know Heavenly Father wants me to be happy, so that would be what makes me happy.

a few years ago, a guy that i had known for maybe a half hour asked me, "so are you one of those girls that wants to do her career first before getting married?" i told him quite assuredly, "no." i didn't express this to him at the time (because i like to just think about things for a while before forming and stating an opinion), but i really didn't like that he asked me that. i thought back over the brief conversation that i had had with him prior to his question, and i honestly didn't know -- and still don't know -- what i had said that made him think that.

but let me declare here and now that i do want to get married. i want to have a family of my own. i want to have kids. i want all of that. but i'm not going to stress myself out about it; i'm not going to be depressed that i am not yet at that stage in my life. and i add that comment especially despite the fact that "round" after "round" of my friends have gotten married and fallen into the married-people-don't-have-contact-with-unmarrieds hole.

i see the articles in the ensign encouraging the single adults in the Church to be anxiously engaged in activities and pursuing those things that will make them better servants in the Kingdom and better children of God all around. these articles make me think. these articles lead me to evaluate my life. these articles assure me that i am doing the right thing in pursuing the activities that interest me, in building friendships with (married and single) people all around me, in seeking to improve myself and my station in life. these articles encourage me to do better and to be better.

then i listen to friends who bemoan the curse of singledom, and i understand why our leaders are concerned for the single adults. and i understand why my mom mails me my own special copy of these issues of the ensign.

i don't feel a need to be concerned about *why* i am not married yet. i don't feel a desperation to "fix" the situation. i don't feel ashamed or embarrased that my life isn't like that of my older and younger (married) sisters. my life is the way it is. i have done so many great things with the opportunities that i have had. i'm not unhappy. i choose not to be. and it *is* my choice. i find joy in the experiences i have had and in the ones i look forward to.

i'm not saying that i am glad that i haven't gotten married yet "because it has given me the opportunity to have the experiences i have had". i don't say that because there is no comparison -- there is no conceivable way to compare my life to the one i could have had if i were married already.

which thought reminds me of a question i got many times as a kid: "so do you like having your birthday right before Christmas?" well ... my response: "do you like having yours *not* right before Christmas?" how do you answer that? have you known it any other way? or, another frequent question: "did you like moving around a lot as a kid?" well, "did you like living in one house the whole time you grew up?" can you really form a like/dislike opinion about something for which you have no basis of comparison? do you really know if you like chocolate if you haven't tried vanilla? like/dislike is a relative measure.

we all know the phrase, "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." it is greener because we don't live there. if we did live in that other very green yard, perhaps we would notice the weeds, the dandelions, the tufts of crab grass. if we did live in that other very green yard, perhaps we would know all the watering, weeding, and work it takes to make it *look* so green. if we did live in that other very green yard, perhaps we would look across the fence and see a yard that looks nice and comfortable, not perfect, but loved anyway; a yard that is unique; a yard that, perhaps at times, even appears greener than our own. that's the problem with comparing: we simply don't have the right perspective.

and so i cannot compare my life as i have had it with my experiences, trials, and joys to the life i could have had if i had been married already.

i wouldn't trade my life for any other, not because "i *love* my life" and "i wouldn't trade it for any other" ... but quite simply because i *can't*: i *can't* trade it for any other. my life is a blessing that Heavenly Father gave *to me*; it is *for me*. i am not bound to try and "return" such a gift. and i am not going to let Satan or anyone try to convince me that it isn't the "right" gift ... it's *my* gift ... from the One that knows and loves me the most.

when it rains - eli young band

give me skies of black and blue, the way you make me feel,
give me skies of green and red, cold winds that make it real,
storms are brewing deep within of hurt and loss and pride,
it's good to see the world in pain when i take a walk outside.

[chorus:]
when it rains, i don't mind being lonely, i cry right along with the sky.
when it rains, i don't pretend to be happy, i don't even have to try.
when it rains, some people get down, they're sporting a frown, so i fit right in,
yeah, the sun may brighten your day but if i had my way, i'd take the rain.

i don't care about politics or the hypocrites on my tv,
i'm not mad at the girl who left because she couldn't be with me,
so make up your theories about the scandals and the lies,
start out depressed then everything comes as a pleasant surprise.

[chorus:]
when it rains, i don't mind being lonely, i cry right along with the sky.
when it rains, i don't pretend to be happy, i don't even have to try.
when it rains, some people get down, they're sporting a frown, so i fit right in,
yeah, the sun may brighten your day but if i had my way, i'd take the rain.

when it rains, i don't mind being lonely, i cry right along with the sky.
when it rains, i don't pretend to be happy, i don't even have to try.

[chorus:]
when it rains, i don't mind being lonely, i cry right along with the sky.
when it rains, i don't pretend to be happy, i don't even have to try.
when it rains, some people get down, they're sporting a frown, so i fit right in,
yeah, the sun may brighten your day but if i had my way, i'd take the rain.

healthy evidence?

oh, no. look what i just found on the internets ...

"beef has a rep as a diet buster, but eating it may help you peel off pounds. in a study published in the american journal of clinical nutrition, women on a diet that included red meat lost more weight than those eating equal calories but little beef. 'the protein in steak helps you retain muscle mass during weight loss,' says study author manny noakes, ph.d. try to consume local organic beef; it's healthier for you and the environment."

i may have to re-think my new years resolution. afterall, i want to be healthy: the primary purpose of the resolution is health-related ... to reduce my cholesterol ... so ... hmmm ...

thanks, eden, for sending this article my way. i may be able to turn it into some sort of rationalization for ending my beef ban. hmmm ... 8-/

i'll let y'all know.

(p.s. -- i must admit that i didn't read anything further in the article after the beef part. ha. i got what i needed out of it. the rest of the article might really be interesting, though. lemme know.)

johnny & june - heidi newfield

oh there's something 'bout a man in black,
makes me want to buy a cadillac,
throw the top back,
and roll down to jackson town.

i wanna be there on the stage with you,
you and i could be the next rage to
hear the crowd roar,
make 'em want more,
and kick the footlights out.

[chorus:]
i wanna love like johnny and june,
rings of fire burnin' with you--
i wanna walk the line,
walk the line,
'till the end of time.
i wanna love,
love ya that much,
cash it all in,
give it all up,
when you're gone,
i wanna go too,
like johnny and june.

i wanna hold you baby, right or wrong,
build a world around a country song,
pray a sweet prayer,
follow you there
down in history.

[chorus:]
i wanna love like johnny and june,
rings of fire burnin' with you --
i wanna walk the line,
walk the line,
'till the end of time.
i wanna love,
love ya that much,
cash it all in,
give it all up,
when you're gone,
i wanna go too,
like johnny and june,
like johnny and june.

more than life itself,
noone else,
this here is promise.
they don't make love like that anymore,
is that too much to be askin' for?

[chorus:]
i wanna love like johnny and june,
rings of fire burnin' with you --
i wanna walk the line,
walk the line,
'till the end of time.
i wanna love,
love ya that much,
cash it all in,
give it all up,
when you're gone,
i wanna go too,
like johnny and june,
like johnny and june.

and when we're gone,
there'll be no tears to cry,
only memories of our lives,
they'll remember, remember,
a love like that.

nuts

cashews are good.

rancid cashews are not.

the "best before" date on these is jan-05-09. someone lied.

a preguiça

i strive for efficiency:

don't want to waste my time ... don't want to waste yours.

and over the years, i have come up with several ways to save time -- ways to perform more efficiently those mundane things that fill my daily life.

1. make the bed: in high school my dad got really particular about requiring us to make our beds before school. which usually meant at least one guaranteed argument to start each day. i mean really; why make it when i am just going to be getting back in it in a few hours? that seems a bit defeating. but dad didn't see the logic in that.

   well, after a few years of such daily contention, i had a brilliant idea: if i never get in it, i never have to make it. yeah. really. so ... for the past 10+ years i have slept on top of my bed, not in it. i have a blanket that i can pull over me for cold nights, then i just fold that blanket in the morning, straighten the sheets and i'm good to go. in less than 15 seconds. absolutely brilliant efficiency!

2. cook: i like to cook. probably because i like to eat. but the task, quite honestly, seems a bit daunting -- especially when i remember that after i put in all the effort to create a fabulous meal, i have to put in the rather less-rewarding effort to clean up the fabulous meal. yeah. so i've come up with some efficiencies.

   • forks: as many of you know, i like to eat with forks. as such, most of my meals are "fork" meals. and since i am going to be eating my meal with a fork, i cook with a fork. makes fewer utensils to wash afterwards. efficiency!

   • measuring: the well that forms in the center of your palm when you cup your hand is about a teaspoon. so is the cap to a vanilla or maple flavoring bottle. 3 teaspoons make a tablespoon. a cube of butter is ½ cup and contains 8 tablespoons. there are all kinds of ways around dirtying your measuring utensils.

     if you break down and decide that you really must use a measuring cup, at least only dirty one ... work the fractions! half of a 1-cup is ½ cup. two ¼-cups is ½ cup. two-thirds of a ½-cup is ⅓ cup. see? mathful *and* efficient!

   • frying and grilling: why use a spatula? i have fingers. i'm probably going to wash my hands when done cooking, anyway, and it's not like i plan on holding the food for a long time anyway, so just grab it, flip it, and move along my merry way, knowing that i will have one less spatula in the dishwasher that evening.

   • clean as you go: while the mixing bowl is mixing, wash everything you are finished with. after you put the bread in the pans to rise, wash the mixing bowl and other utensils. after you pull the bread out of the oven to cool, wash the bread pans. a lot of post-creating clean-up can be done along the way so it's not a big task at the end.

3. keyboard shortcuts: when i worked at ibm, we used an SQL-based database that was in the process of being upgraded to a web-based, more user-friendly interface. however, i fell in love with SQL and particularly being able to access all the information and functions that i needed without having to use my mouse. after starting work there, i soon found that lifting my hands from the keyboard in order to grab my mouse and move the pointer wasted so much of my time.

   since leaving ibm, i have grown an obsession with learning new keyboard shortcuts and incorporating them into my daily life. for example, did you know that [Alt + F4] not only closes the active program, but if there are no programs open, it will bring up the shut down prompt? keyboard shortcuts in excel are awesome. some of my excel favorites are:

   • F4 -- repeats any action you just took

   • F2 -- lets you edit the cell you have selected

   • Ctrl + Z -- undoes the last thing you did

   • Ctrl + Y -- re-does the last thing you undid

   • Ctrl + D -- copies the data in the cell directly above

   there are many, many things i love about excel, but these are just a few of my favorite keyboard shortcuts. (don't even get me started on pivot tables, h- and v-lookups, and filters. really.)

4. lost things: i find that the most common reason why i ever lose anything is because i put it down in a different place than i normally do. and the most frustrating aspect of this is that i specifically remember thinking, "oh, i'll put it here because it is a different place and i will remember that i put it here." nope. so i have resolved myself to just accept the fact that there is limited shelfspace in my brain and trying to squeeze one more thing in there means that something has got to go.

   so i put my stuff where i always put my stuff and everyone is happy. no more stopping to look for things. no more giving up because i can't find them. no more unnerving feeling that i not only don't remember where i put xyz, but i don't even remember what xyz is anymore. efficient, right?

now, as i ponder this list of life's efficiencies, i wonder if perhaps i am not so much efficiency-driven as i am lazy. i don't think any of these habits really saves me that much time in and of itself. maybe it does. maybe it doesn't. but either way, "lazy" isn't a nice word. so we'll use the portuguese: a preguiça. eu sou pregiçosa. mas toda a gente gosta de mim, embora disso.

:D

a perk!

i just discovered a perk to this promotion! despite the utterly ridiculous raise and the apparent lack of increased responsibility ... there is meaning to this change of title ...

5 more days of PTO (vacation) per year!! wahoo!

so, who wants to help me use it?

not my first time

monday i went to family home evening down in santa monica with my friends, dave and matt. the evening's activity? a dating forum. (pretty timely considering the topic of this month's ensign. so now when mom asks me if i have read the ensign this month, i can tell her that not only have i read it, but i have attended a dating forum in order to finally be cured of this disease called "being single". see? i *am* putting in an effort. ha.)

in theory, the dating forum was a good idea. i mean, it sounds like a great opportunity to get some answers to some questions that we all have. in practice ... mmeh ... it didn't quite turn out. i feel like the "panel" of girls basically spent an hour complaining about all the things the guys do wrong, and the guys in the audience walked away not only feeling bad for all the things they do wrong, but at an even greater loss for what to do in the future.

and the whole thing really chaps my hide. why do we make this so hard? the part that upset me the most was when the girl panelists appeared sincerely offended when one of the guys joked about recommending that girls ask guys out if they want.

i have spent too much time recently trying to convince my girl friends that if they want to go out with a certain guy, they should ask him out. the usual response ("i've never asked a guy out -- can i do that?") just doesn't fly with me. of *course* you can do that!! who is to tell you that you can't?! i mean, really. when was the last time you had to get someone's permission to do what you want to do? we aren't in third grade anymore. if you wanna go out with him -- ask him.

and that's pretty much how i live my life. i've been asking guys out pretty much since the beginning of time. well, since i was 16. (thanks, for the strength of youth manual.) which is the same thing. right?

anyway, and i actually find that guys will hardly ever turn you down. maybe it's just because they are so flattered or impressed that you asked them out. if that's the case: that's okay by me. and yeah, sometimes it seems kinda hard to get up the courage to ask a guy out, or you totally flub the delivery and make a fool of yourself doing it, but c'mon, you make a fool of yourself everyday. why not at least get a date out of it?

so sunday i met a friend of my friends liz and john. he had served his mission with them in poland, currently lives in sacramento, and was down to visit for the weekend. we chatted for a bit at church before sunday school and he seemed nice. after church and back at home, pat (the lady i live with) asked me who the cute guy was (i think she may be trying even harder than my mother to get me married ... as you will see). after explaining that he lives in sacramento, she asked, "aren't you going to sacramento this weekend?"

"yesss ..."

"well, you should call him. you should call liz. you should call liz and tell her what's going on. she'll be so excited. you should call right now. here's the number and the phone!" she is very eager to get me married. (i wonder if it's because she wants me to move out. hmmm. nah, couldn't be that.)

next thing i knew, i was standing in the living room with the phone to my ear saying, "i can't believe i'm doing this ... but would your friend want to hang out or something this weekend." to which liz's response was, "well, i don't know. he's standing right here -- do you want to ask him?" (a chain of events that was completely unforeseen and for which i was completely unprepared. somehow i didn't even imagine that happening. c'mon, christianna.)

and then i was on the phone with him! *!!* bah!

now, as i said, i have asked guys out before. it's not that big of deal and usually goes just fine. unfortunately, i can't say that it *always* goes just fine. because this one did not go "just fine". after stuttering through a "this is christianna ... from church ... remember me?", i followed up with a stellar, "well, i've got this wedding up in sacramento on friday, and so i was thinking that maybe we could meet up and hang out on saturday."

"umm, yeah. that would be fun." he responded. great!

so far, so good. right?

and then, because i usually have some plan or idea of what to do on a date when i ask the guy out, i started in on the next step of asking a guy out: present the planned activity. yep. only problem: didn't have a plan. and not only that, but didn't realize that i didn't have a plan until after i had started talking again. ugh. so what usually comes out as a fun "so i was thinking we could grab a couple boogie boards and hit the beach" or an interesting "there is this really great restaurant out on the pier that i am dying to try" ... came out as "well, uhh ... uhhh ... uhh ...". not kidding.

after spinning my wheels for a period of time that was probably in actuality about 3.2 seconds long but seemed an eternity to be not talking ... i came out with, "uhh ... well, i don't really know what there is to do there ... so ... maybe i can just get your number and we can both think about it and get back in touch in a couple days?" oh, gosh, christianna. really? did you really do that?

yup.

he was kind and agreed, gave me his digits, and promised that we'd "have a great time". thank you.

so yeah. [sigh]. i survived. completely and totally botched it, but i survived. this was not my first time asking a guy out ... and i kinda wanna say it was the worst time ... but we all know that's not true ... (insert stories of mr. thursday here) ...

anyway, as i said, i make a fool of myself everyday -- i really ought to get a date out of it at least sometimes. right?