a (runaway) train of thought

cute guy said to me last night that he thought i had given up on getting married. he said that he thought i had said something at some point to the effect of "well, if it happens, it happens. but if not, that's okay." which, i guess may be exactly what i said, but not intending to mean that i have given up on the whole getting married thing. and i told him that. i told him that perhaps i had said that, but what i meant was that i know that it isn't all up to me. i know that if i do get married, i will. but if i don't, i know that i will be happy and be okay with it because i know Heavenly Father wants me to be happy, so that would be what makes me happy.

a few years ago, a guy that i had known for maybe a half hour asked me, "so are you one of those girls that wants to do her career first before getting married?" i told him quite assuredly, "no." i didn't express this to him at the time (because i like to just think about things for a while before forming and stating an opinion), but i really didn't like that he asked me that. i thought back over the brief conversation that i had had with him prior to his question, and i honestly didn't know -- and still don't know -- what i had said that made him think that.

but let me declare here and now that i do want to get married. i want to have a family of my own. i want to have kids. i want all of that. but i'm not going to stress myself out about it; i'm not going to be depressed that i am not yet at that stage in my life. and i add that comment especially despite the fact that "round" after "round" of my friends have gotten married and fallen into the married-people-don't-have-contact-with-unmarrieds hole.

i see the articles in the ensign encouraging the single adults in the Church to be anxiously engaged in activities and pursuing those things that will make them better servants in the Kingdom and better children of God all around. these articles make me think. these articles lead me to evaluate my life. these articles assure me that i am doing the right thing in pursuing the activities that interest me, in building friendships with (married and single) people all around me, in seeking to improve myself and my station in life. these articles encourage me to do better and to be better.

then i listen to friends who bemoan the curse of singledom, and i understand why our leaders are concerned for the single adults. and i understand why my mom mails me my own special copy of these issues of the ensign.

i don't feel a need to be concerned about *why* i am not married yet. i don't feel a desperation to "fix" the situation. i don't feel ashamed or embarrased that my life isn't like that of my older and younger (married) sisters. my life is the way it is. i have done so many great things with the opportunities that i have had. i'm not unhappy. i choose not to be. and it *is* my choice. i find joy in the experiences i have had and in the ones i look forward to.

i'm not saying that i am glad that i haven't gotten married yet "because it has given me the opportunity to have the experiences i have had". i don't say that because there is no comparison -- there is no conceivable way to compare my life to the one i could have had if i were married already.

which thought reminds me of a question i got many times as a kid: "so do you like having your birthday right before Christmas?" well ... my response: "do you like having yours *not* right before Christmas?" how do you answer that? have you known it any other way? or, another frequent question: "did you like moving around a lot as a kid?" well, "did you like living in one house the whole time you grew up?" can you really form a like/dislike opinion about something for which you have no basis of comparison? do you really know if you like chocolate if you haven't tried vanilla? like/dislike is a relative measure.

we all know the phrase, "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." it is greener because we don't live there. if we did live in that other very green yard, perhaps we would notice the weeds, the dandelions, the tufts of crab grass. if we did live in that other very green yard, perhaps we would know all the watering, weeding, and work it takes to make it *look* so green. if we did live in that other very green yard, perhaps we would look across the fence and see a yard that looks nice and comfortable, not perfect, but loved anyway; a yard that is unique; a yard that, perhaps at times, even appears greener than our own. that's the problem with comparing: we simply don't have the right perspective.

and so i cannot compare my life as i have had it with my experiences, trials, and joys to the life i could have had if i had been married already.

i wouldn't trade my life for any other, not because "i *love* my life" and "i wouldn't trade it for any other" ... but quite simply because i *can't*: i *can't* trade it for any other. my life is a blessing that Heavenly Father gave *to me*; it is *for me*. i am not bound to try and "return" such a gift. and i am not going to let Satan or anyone try to convince me that it isn't the "right" gift ... it's *my* gift ... from the One that knows and loves me the most.