shower thinkin'

in a non-stop uber-busy life, you gotta take advantage of the quiet, slow(-er) moments to think. for me, that's the shower time.

my thoughts recently have primarily circled around a couple people.

seattle boy: i spend time hoping he is well. it's been a long time since we talked and i miss him. i miss that friendship and contact with someone that i know cares genuinely about me and my welfare. i miss the nonsense conversations that leave me rolling on the floor in fits of laughter. i think about how things must be difficult for him until he can speak to seattle girl. i wonder how he's doing with that and in general. i wonder if i will get a wedding announcement. i wonder if i'll ever get to speak to him again and i think about what i'd like to say to him, if i do. i think about seattle girl and wish that she knew me so she could trust me. i think about what i love about my friendship with seattle boy and what i love about him, which thought has recently been underscored by his desire to do what is right and to be right before God in all things, recognizing that his own weaknesses can be improved, step by step. i think of the importance of that in the person that i am looking to marry.

cute guy: i think about our relationship. i think about his current life situation: where he is now, where he is going. and unfortunately, i spend too much time thinking about where i wish he were. i wonder what it would be like to meet his kids. i wonder what it would be like if we lived closer together. i wonder what he thinks about me and about our relationship. i wonder if he thinks this is going anywhere, or if it is just something to do for now. i also analyze my own motivations in our relationship. do i see him for who he is?

in all this thinking, one prevailing thought is the question of what kind of person do i want to marry. i mean, this whole dating thing has that as its purpose, right? so ... let's get to the point. i previously wrote that i want 2 things: (1) a man of God, and (2) a best friend. i want someone who wants *me*. who chooses me above everyone else, not because there is no one else or because he can't have whom he really wants. and yet, i want someone that will put God and His plan above me.

okay, too much thinking is bad. for me, anyway. i am a doer. thinking irritates me because, even after all that time spent thinking, i am usually in the same boat, still rowing along in generally the same direction. sorry, that's me looking for the efficiency and effectiveness in everything. so i am going to wrap this up. some pretty aimless thoughts, i admit, but maybe i'll be able to put them together cohesively some day ...